my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
In America we eat man semen.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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