I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
