I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
