CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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