yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
