Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
