Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
