now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
