you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
