chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize