When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Randomize
