I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
