And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
