where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
