My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
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Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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