I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
