Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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