I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
