I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
