What did we do last night that was yellow?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
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did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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