I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
