She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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