It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
