Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
