ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
