you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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