listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
