i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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