Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
