Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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