I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
