i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
