If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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