guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Enjoy the penises
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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