I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
