sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
