We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
