Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
