i already hear my dad disowning me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
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I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂