i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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