We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
