Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
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The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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