i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
