Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
