I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
