I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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