She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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