Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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