So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize