i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
