my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
