Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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