Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
