i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Two words: blizzard sex
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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