you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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