How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
