I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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