I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
