When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
